Journeys

In the fall of 2018, I was well into my training for Iron Man North Carolina. The race was Scheduled for the following fall, and I was diligently keeping up with my training regimen. Hurricane Michael had just blasted through North Florida and I was retiring from law enforcement. There was a lot going on.

On one of my days off I was doing a workout called a “brick”. The workout consists of a moderate distance ride followed by a run. I recall finishing the ride with a headache which was unusual for me. I never got headaches. I went through the mental checklist…had I fouled up my hydration? My nutrition? I took my salt/potassium right at the hour mark…I wasn’t sure what the issue was. I ditched the bike at the house, changed shoes and was off on what passed as a run for me at that age. I made it about thirty of the 45 minutes and had to stop. My head was pounding. I knuckled under and walked the rest of the way home wondering what was wrong. Was I sick? In fact, what I later came to know is that this was the first time the train wreck in my neck manifested its self and fouled up my life. I have had a headache of varying severity every day since that brick.

Along the way to finding out what was causing the problem, my headaches became debilitating. Triathlon was certainly not an option. When the headaches were really bad, sitting in my truck crying or lying bed was about the only option. Chronic pain is a real fucking bitch. Over the counter medication and numerous medical procedures and doctor’s visits here locally had zero effect. The pain grew worse. About that time, three things happened; I came to the realization (in spite of various doctors very upbeat rhetoric) that my athletic life had changed forever, I began distracting myself by birdwatching/studies in combination with photography and I found some doctors who began to find ways to reduce my pain levels (no narcotics).

None of this was a journey that I expected. I did not expect chronic pain. I have come to describe it best as a “sprained ankle in my neck all the time that gives me a headache”. I did not expect that focusing on birdwatching in combination with photography would distract me (somewhat) from misery. I did not expect that I would ever quit triathlon. I did not expect that anything would take me away from passionate pursuits such as woodworking, but when the “pain penalty” became too much my shop became idle. I did not expect after years of poking, prodding, trials and errors that anyone would have any measure of success in helping me, but they have. All of it has been a journey and will, no doubt continue to be.

This condition has tested my resilience in unpredictable ways. Many of my “go to” stress management regimes were rendered useless at one point or another by my “sprained ankle neck”. Aggressive exercise? Nope. Woodworking? Nope. Many forms of socialization? Nope (very difficult to socialize when you feel like that). Going to baseball games? Nope. I felt worse after I left than before I got there. It is also very difficult with chronic pain and no external injury. When others can’t see the thing that plagues you, they often forget that you feel rotten or how rotten you really feel. Thereby doubling the difficulty socially. So, what does one do when your resilience is tested? Well, I don’t know about other people, I had my fair share of awful days (still do), but I was forced to recalibrate and come up with new things to be in my “go to” bag of tricks.

Priority one was getting help for the unrelenting and increasing pain. I left town for that because of a referral that my wonderful GP (forever grateful) made when I was in to visit her one day in one of my lowest of lows. I am intentionally omitting names here, but if anyone reading this is having similar issues, contact me and I’ll tell you who I went to see. As soon as the specialists figured out what was wrong, they began treating it and the pain began to subside slowly to a manageable level. It was also very important to me to have a definitive and uncompromising answer about what was causing my issues. Nebulous answers from well meaning medical professionals that included statements like “this shouldn’t be causing your headaches” did little to comfort me. In fact, they increased my anxiety substantially in combination with the increasing pain and other factors.

Secondary priorities were to fill in the gaps left by triathlon, strenuous exercise and my inability to do any woodworking and other things I enjoyed. I LOVE competition. It doesn’t matter if it’s racing my friend down a single track trail on a mountain bike or an Iron Man race. The wind in my face, the strain on my muscles, the shit talk, the exhilaration in the back stretch and win or lose (mostly lose for me) knowing that I gave it my best. I am very very glad that I raced when I had the chance. I’m glad that when my friends called on chilly mornings that were below my temperature threshold, I said “yes” to crashing through the woods on my mountain bike with them. Because, in all likelihood, those are now just fond memories. So, I began walking and hiking when I could. I sat and watched the birds and learned about them. I figured that If I was going to birdwatch, I was going to challenge myself by photographing the birds and making those photos as artful as I could before I checked another bird off my “life list”. We camp and explore and I continue to scan and look for other opportunities to recreate and practice resilience.

I encourage all who are reading this to pursue your dreams. Climb high mountains. Shoot the rapids. Wander the wilderness. While you do, develop multiple resilience strategies. There just may come a day when life surprises you and you can’t climb high mountains, shoot rapids, or wander the wilderness. So, do it while you can and live with no regrets. I was certainly surprised. I may have been surprised but because of the combination of parents who have continued their journeys with adaptive strategies (thereby setting great examples for all), diverse resilience practices and some really excellent medical professionals in my life, I’m moving forward. Iron Man might not be a reality for me any longer, but maybe I can encourage you. Hiking, photography, woodworking, camping and the North American outdoors await me.

It is my sincerest hope that those who read this will process this blog in the manner that I intended. I don’t feel sorry for myself, and therefore neither should you feel sorry for me. Rather, after reading this, my hope is that you are encouraged to broaden your resilience strategies so that you might not be surprised as I was if you are pitched a life curve ball. My hope is that you take life by the reins, apply some spurs and ride with the wind while you have that opportunity and desire.

The photographs in this blog are shot by me with, the exception of course of the two Iron Man North Carolina 2019 pictures (FinisherPix). Double clicking on the images will allow you to see them full size and/or scroll through the gallery.

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