Thief In The Night

Like a thief in the night, grief comes. On occasion we expect the thief and can barricade the door against the coming intrusion, on other occasions the beast creeps in undetected at first and makes its self known suddenly, shockingly, and with a wild splintering of the soul. Grief is one of the things that binds human existence in that we all experience it. We experience it for some of the same reasons, like loss of a parent, a child, or other close family member. Loss of a beloved family pet, the dissolution of a relationship, in the first responder community and military community it is, unfortunately not uncommon to experience grief at the loss of a member of your team, unit, or agency. Sooner or later, the thief comes for us all. It is a painful part of the human experience we cannot escape.

Grief is a complicated and very personal experience and I am no expert. Some may wonder why I am diving into this topic based on those factors. First, I have experienced grief first hand in my life with no guidance and quite a few minimizations and poorly thought through platitudes from others. Secondly it seems that there are quite a few people who I care about a great deal who are dealing with this. So, I thought I’d learn as much as I could and share.

Fallout from grief is a very real thing. Without education, guidance and conscious effort people experiencing grief can easily experience family issues, physical problems, and cognitive and function problems. Each of these can be profound in their own right but the cognitive and functional problems (“Grief Brain”) include difficulty focusing, loss of productivity and loss of sense of purpose. If during the grief experience you begin to experience this, please seek professional assistance.

There is apparently a condition called “Clinical Prolonged Grief Disorder“. This occurs in some cases when grief does not pass over time. If intense emotional numbness and inability to return to daily activities persists past six months to one year, it may be a formal clinical condition that requires targeted support. In other words…seek help. The Cleveland Clinic has an excellent in depth article on the topic of grief which is one of the sources I used for this blog. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief

It is worth mentioning that although it is common knowledge (many of us forget this) there are five commonly recognized stages of grief. The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The American Psychological Association (APA) says that grief usually lasts from six months to two years. Remember, each of us experience grief in a unique and very personal manner and it does not fit into any neat framework. So, if a member of your family seems to be experiencing a loss in a very different manner than you did, unless it falls outside one of the guidelines above, or involves the abuse of alcohol or drugs, it is likely just their unique grief journey.

One of the most difficult things for people experiencing the crushing weight of grief is self care. For the person experiencing grief, having the strength to execute self care is often beyond their ability to even consider. Depression, and wrestling with the overwhelming sense of loss can push self care to the bottom of the priority list. If you are going through it, remember things like returning to your routine, attending to your emotions (allowing yourself to cry or feel whatever you are feeling), reach out to others, and consider making use of a therapist.

Frequently we find ourselves in the presence of someone who is grieving and we do not know what to do. It’s a helpless feeling. Here are a few pointers: First, remember to actively listen a please do not try to problem solve. If the other person is sharing with you, allow them to share and unburden themselves. If you interrupt this process with constructive suggestions for how to “fix their life” they can find it frustrating and highly annoying. What did you want the last time you were having a really hard time (grief or some other issue)? You wanted someone to LISTEN. This is something that I still struggle with, but work at daily. Be present for the grieving person. Don’t disappear from their life. Offer to help by cooking a meal, taking kids to soccer practice or cutting the grass. This next one is huge especially for interactions from non-pet people to pet people who have suffered a loss; do NOT minimize the loss. It’s not “just a bird” or hamster, or dog, it’s their friend or family member. It wasn’t “just a coworker”. He was a mentor, role model, friend and leader. Don’t minimize the loss for crying out loud.

Grief and loss are some of the most difficult obstacles we have to overcome in our lives. There are courses taught on it, score of books written on the topic and yet the agonizing phenomenon persists in the human experience. I guess from the cheap seats here the best we can do is buckle up, understand it the best we can, barricade the door, invest in security lights and a dog well trained to keep the thief at bay as long as possible.

Some resources for you: https://good-grief.org/resources/, https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it, https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/all-there-is-with-anderson-cooper, and https://www.uofmhealth.org/patients-visitors/support-services/grief-support/after-death-child/grief-support-resources-after-childs-death

You never really know what is going on with your fellow human being. Think of the number of times YOU have been struggling and the kind word of a stranger has changed the course of your day. Please make an effort to treat your fellow human with kindness and compassion. If you like what you read here, please consider subscribing. The “subscribe” button can be located on the home page or rather randomly along the right hand right of the page as you scroll down. Forwarding this post/blog or posting it on your social media site if you liked what you read may reach someone that needs to see it. Thank you to all my subscribers and stay safe.